June & Ward had it right

September 18, 2009 at 2:43 pm 3 comments

Thinking back on Leave it to Beaver and other old shows where the parents slept in separate beds, I realize that while the show producers were trying not to be to risque, they actually got something very right. For those of you that are married recently, or going to be married, consider the following.

It was probably close to 1 or 2 AM when my typical sleeping position of “dead man” (which is where you lay flat on your back arms akimbo and legs spread wide enough that an enraged spouse could easily kill you starting at your groin) was beginning to become a bit of a problem. You see, it’s kind of warm here in southern California, as you may know, and when I went to bed the temperature was warm enough that I didn’t need any sheets or blankets. I am sure that most married or shacked-up men can relate on this. The wife is bundled up like Nanook of the North wearing more layers of clothes than a popular dry cleaner shop. Add to that the numerous sheets and blankets on the bed making her look somewhat like a bear in hibernation. All I can see of this woman is about the same amount of face as you see of Kenny on South Park. Yet somehow, it was plenty warm for me when I went to bed. However, around this midway point through the night, the temperature drops down below what would be considered normal for man that doesn’t want to have to go through the thawing process in the morning.

In order to warm up a bit, I decided to roll over and while doing so, grabbed for the nearest fabric item to pull over me. Initially, I found the dog placed squarely between the wife and I and figured that while pulling on his scruff is not-too-difficult-for-being-half-asleep, the resulting warmth of my own blood coating my body from multiple claw and incisor wound was not what I was looking for. So the next available item in the dark is the bed’s top sheet. Ugh. I have never been a fan of the top sheet. It’s a semi-useless strip of a “barely there” fabric that more often than not ends up bunched up at the bottom of the bed. However on this night it happened to be up where it should be, or so I thought. As I went to pull it up I realized that it was sort of angled from being in position at my feet but pulled up to my right side toward my wife. Thinking that it probably just bunched up between us I began to pull on the sheet to wrap it over me. (This is the point where a man realizes just how much power he has in house. I apparently am lacking in this department.) My wife let out a “Hey!”, and not in that playfulish sort of tone, but the “don’t you dare attempt that again or I will pound your face into the sand and bury your bloody corpse in the rose bushes” kind of tone. Realizing that the battle over the sheet was not likely to result in a victory this night, I decided I was too tired to risk hunting for the comforter or worse a blanket. So I rolled into position facing away from the well protected beast and slipped the sheet over my shoulder as far as it could go. It stopped just over my shoulder so that my back was under the sheet along with the outside of my arm, but my front was not covered. Still feeling a bit of a shiver I began to try to go back to sleep. Laying there only partially covered made me feel a bit like Bear Grylls (without the physique, cool accent or awesome military training) trying to be protected from the elements on an adventure into the mountains, with only a few pine needles and a couple twigs to fashion shelter over him to try to sleep under as the night turns wet and the temperature begins to drop below frostbite. At the time it made me laugh – just a bit – which helped warm me up enough to fall asleep.

What’s the point? Well, back to what I was referring to earlier, get separate beds. Have them in the same room, even very close to each other. Just be smart and get two singles instead of that cool king size mattress. Leave about enough space between them for at least one butt to pass through unimpeded and you are golden! You have your own blankets and other bedding items – even a top sheet if you are weird and like that sort of thing.

Take it from me. It’s not the size of the bed that matters in your relationship. It’s how much sleep you get. Oh sure! When you are young and in love and want to make babies, the draw of a big shared bed to cuddle in is hard to resist. But let’s face it. The bed isn’t what makes the babies and two people can accomplish great things in small areas too. As an added bonus, separate beds will help enforce the “planning” part of your family planning schedule and avoid any tragic mistakes.

If you give in to the siren song of the large mattress with the precision tuned suspension and perfectly stitched embroidery, store a few essentials on your side of the bed, such as an extra blanket, a sweater and possibly a hunting knife to fend off any raging hormones.

Sage advice or crackpot theory? Decide for yourself.

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Entry filed under: 1356.

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3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. The Wife  |  September 18, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    SORRY!!!!!!! sorry, sorry, SORRY! 😦

    Reply
  • 2. Allison  |  September 19, 2009 at 5:54 am

    A king mattress saved our sleeping situation. And thankfully we don’t have the blanket fighting issue. I learned early on that an extra one on the floor on my side saved alot of headache. I sleep with a “roller” and when he rolls, all the blankets roll with him 🙂

    Reply
  • 3. Michelle Weaver  |  September 20, 2009 at 1:00 am

    Nice writing!

    Andrew and I actually do that. We have two twins. Right next to each other, but separate sheets, blankets, etc. It cuts down on the cuddling some, but has huge payoffs in the sleep department. =)

    Reply

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